


Absence

by Melina



Series: Epigraph [1]
Category: A Discovery of Witches (TV), All Souls Trilogy - Deborah Harkness
Genre: Episode 1x01, Episode Related, F/M, Ficlet, episode 1x02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 16:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melina/pseuds/Melina
Summary: What lunacy had overtaken him at the dock?  For surely it could be nothing else, nothing but madness that could have possessed him to pick up her jacket and inhale her scent.





	Absence

What lunacy had overtaken him at the dock? For surely it could be nothing else, nothing but madness that could have possessed him to pick up her jacket and inhale her scent. Even as Matthew bent to pick it up, even as he pressed his nose against it, he knew he shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have even thought about it. But he was unable to resist, and for one blissful moment, he'd been drunk with it, with the combination of scent notes and undertones that were uniquely _her_. 

But the joy of it had passed in the blink of an eye, and then the growling, angry creature he kept so fiercely at bay was right there, demanding to be set free, demanding what was rightfully his, demanding his prey. 

After all of these years, so many decades without a slip, Matthew held on to his control by the most tenuous of threads, telling Diana how to get away from him, how to save her own life. After she disappeared into the night, he slipped to his knees, utterly lost.

Away from her presence, it was easier -- not much, but a little -- to reassert his control, at least on the surface. Only on the surface. He wanted to keep the jacket, wanted it with a hunger that felt like a year of starvation. But he forced himself to surrender it to the porter, asking for it to be sent to the laundry overnight and returned to Dr. Bishop at New College in the morning.

He went to church, kneeling on the cold tile for hours, thanking God for Diana's deliverance -- from him -- and begging forgiveness for his own sins, his own weakness. How many acts of contrition were sufficient? Was there a number that high?

At three in the morning, he called Hamish, threw some things into a bag and climbed into his car. He drove as fast as he could, unable to escape Oxford quickly enough. Perhaps absence would help. Perhaps it would stop him from thinking about her, from craving her.

He drove north, through central and western England, passing places he'd never been and places rich with meaning from his past. He stopped only once to refuel in Carlisle before continuing across the Scottish border and further north to Hamish's country manor. 

He'd run 350 miles to escape her, to escape her presence and her scent, to escape the mortal danger he posed to her. He arrived at the manor unhappy and short-tempered and just this side of the very end of his rope. Despite Matthew's outward chilliness, he was glad Hamish was there, and he knew his friend knew it.

Hunting helped. The sheer physical release of running across the moors. The stalk with his prey in sight, listening to the unrelenting call of its scent, its instinctive terror. Once his prey was defeated, had surrendered to the inevitable, he embraced the raw pleasure of the kill, the freedom to drink and drink and take as much as he wanted, without limit or restraint.

Talking to Hamish also helped; it always did. He was the friend who let Matthew reason through his problems aloud, who held his secrets close; he was the surrogate for the priest he could not allow to hear his true confessions. Hamish agreed they needed Ashmole 782, yet he did not question Matthew's reasoning that his interest in the book put Diana in danger. But it was his pointed comment that there was more to chess than protecting the queen that threw all the contradictions of the situation into sharp relief for Matthew.

Protect the queen. Matthew justified his decision to return because of the need to obtain the book before other creatures got their hands on it, but he knew it was a lie. He wasn't going back because the book was in danger, but because _she_ was. He ignored Hamish's warnings, his pointed and vaguely cruel invocation of Eleanor and Cecilia.

"If you hurt her," Hamish said, "you'll never forgive yourself."

He knew Hamish was right. But he ignored his friend's concern and ran back to Oxford just as fast as he'd run away. He could maintain his control, he could ignore the craving -- and he _would_ protect her. 

The only thing he couldn't do was stay away.

Absence had failed. 

Absence was impossible.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Monicawoe for the beta read!


End file.
